Editor’s note: The following is a work of satire. 

In line with recent policy changes, the team at The Knight’s Banner has preemptively compiled a list of attire and accessories that may also be considered “unprofessional.” Suggestions are welcome.

“Students may not wear slippers, sandals, Birkenstocks, Crocs, or similar variations.” -2023-2024 Rice Parent/Student Handbook

“We want our students to look professional” – Mike Mazzella

Fun Socks
Walking is serious business. Your shoes (not to be confused with Crocs and/or Birkenstocks) resent the fact that you’ve been filling them with nonsense. Show some respect.

Shoelaces
Shoelaces must be white. How else are you supposed to show off all the mud from Vermont winters?

Friendship Bracelets
We are professionals. You’re not here to make friends, you’re here to meet colleagues. Editors Note: Um, sorry to interrupt but we do want students to make friends… are coworker bracelets a thing?

Lululemon Lunch Bags
We know you’re active- we require you to get a sports credit. You don’t have to prove it with a tote bag.

Scrunchies
Scrunchies take your professional messy bun and boom! Now it’s all fun and colorful. Absolutely not.

Acrylic Nails
We are at Rice to learn, not to listen to your DIY ASMR videos all period. Just get gel, ideally in a nude shade.

Mechanical Pencils
They make those of us with mere Ticonderogas feel inferior. Please be more polite.

Backpacks
Backpacks are for children. Professionals use briefcases. Editor’s note: Wait… don’t we teach children? Let’s circle back on this one.

Visible Roots
If you’re going to dye your hair (“natural” colors only mind you), then at least do it right.

Haircuts Not Done by Professionals
We see you boys soccer team.

Makeup
Are you tired from school, homework, sports, clubs, working, and helping out your family? Don’t try to hide it with concealer. Welcome to the adult world, kids.

Kilts
Editor’s Note: Hold up- we kinda have those already. Never mind.